Stanford Secrets

Stanford Daily

MrBeefy — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 11:28:47 GMT

Sorry for the lack of articles lately guys, we here at stanfordsecrets are working on a few things (and have been a bit lazy), we would however love your opinions and help if you are willing to give it. Also stanfordsecrets will be mentioned in the Stanford Daily in the upcoming week, so look out for that.

Happy 4/20

MrBeefy — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:24:30 GMT

I hope all you Stanford Students had a very very happy 4/20, I know I did.

Additionally, in light of the spirit of the day, I decided to do a bit of research. From this research, I ultimately determined that the 4/20 tradition did not in fact begin at San Rafael High School in 1971 because the teens used to meet at 4:20 PM to smoke by a Louis Pasteur statue every day. Instead, the 4/20 tradition actually began here at our very own Stanford University in the 1960's. 420 actually marks the number of times per day that EBF (Enchanted Brocolli Forest) residents smoked marijuana. I kid you not. Not to mention, former 1960's Stanford alumni actually also celebrate August 25th or 8/25 (825 was the number of lines of coke snorted each day per EBF resident back in those wild years).

New Sexual Trend

MrBeefy — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:52:55 GMT

According to recent reports, there has been an unusual escalation in a strange form of sexual intercourse at Stanford. It is now proposed that nearly 57% of sexually active Stanford students engage in ear sex, prompting the slogan "Once you go black, you go deaf."

What the Fuck, We're All Gonna Die... Lets Get Wasted

MrBeefy — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:34:41 GMT

""Widespread media reports claim that a German schoolboy has recalculated the likelihood of a deadly planet-smasher asteroid hitting the Earth, and found the catastrophe is enormously more likely than NASA thought. The boy's sums were said to have been checked by both NASA and the European Space Agency (ESA), and found to be correct.

There's only one problem with the story: the kid's sums are in fact wrong, NASA's are right, and the ESA swear blind they never said any different. An ESA spokesman in Germany told the Reg this morning: "A small boy did do these calculations, but he made a mistake... NASA's figures are correct."

Marquardt apparently reckoned that the odds of the well-known Apophis asteroid hitting Earth were not one in 45,000 as assessed by NASA, but rather one in 450. Apophis will pass close by Earth in 2029 and 2036, so close that it will come nearer than satellites in geostationary orbit.""

Shiiiitttttt, 1-450 chance we're all fucking wiped out, that would've sucked. But still, 1-45000. I don't know if I'm so comfortable with 1-45000. Hell, that's a lot better chances than winning the lottery. Probably even better chances than getting an A-Rod rookie card in pack of baseball cards. So, honestly, I am a little on edge right now. In turn, I plan to get shitfaced this weekend in order to loan greater value to the life of mine, which has a 1-45000 chance of ending in 2029. I suggest that you all do the same.

Notes: We Now Have Over 15000 hits and are waiting on the production of a Jim Harbaugh video.

Random Note: Eddie Murphy-Golem (from Lord of the Rings) and Hitler-50 Cent

MrBeefy — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:50:09 GMT

Male Sports Hotness Rankings

MrBeefy — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:09:51 GMT

Although we found these rankings to be considerably more difficult to determine than the women's rankings, after much heated debate, they are finally in. Stealing a surprising first place victory in the rankings are the men's water polo team. Ultimately, those boys in tight speedos were just too much for the judges to handle (particularly twins Janson and Drac Wigo) and were the decisive factor in their top of the charts ranking. In a close second place came Hollywood Heart-throb Eric Bana. Mhmm, Eric Bana. It is now rumored that he, following in the footsteps of other famous celebs, now attends school here. After Mr. Bana, in third place, were the men's football team (of course excluding Richard Sherman). And finishing up the Top 6 were the men's volleyball team, the men's tennis team, and the men's soccer team. Coming in a distant 7th was a extremely dissapointed Samuel L. Jackson.

THE MANLY MEN

1. Water Polo

2. Eric Bana

3. Football (look at the ass on that Pritchard kid)

4. Volleyball

5. Tennis

6. Soccer

7. Samuel L. Jackson

Laugh Without Smiling

MrBeefy — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:15:38 GMT

Updated Women's Rankings

MrBeefy — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 19:41:50 GMT

After further debate and apparent popular regard, while the tops of the rankings remain the same, the field hockey and softball team has been replaced by the divers/swimmers in the 5 spot.

THE UPDATED RANKINGS

1. Volleyball

2. Soccer

3. Rowing

4. Cross Country

5. Divers/Swimmers

God or Sherman?

MrBeefy — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 13:19:45 GMT

Stanford sophomore wide receiver Richard Sherman was recently seen confusing himself with a god. When he discovered that he couldn't in fact manifest lightning bolts out of air and throw them at people, he sat in a corner of his room and cried for hours and hours and hours and hours.

giggle...

And just in case you were wondering, Richard will likely not be included in those male hotness rankings to come.

Women's Sports Hotness Rankings

Frank TJ Mackey — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:54:57 GMT

After thorough examination and debate, the Stanford women's volleyball team was able to edge out the women's soccer team as Numero Uno on the list of Stanford Sports Teams with the hottest girls. Among the highlights for the respective teams were, for volleyball: Cynthia Barboza, Alex Fisher, and Bryn Kehoe, and for soccer: Christen Press, and Kristin Stannard.

Rounding out the rest of the top 5 were the rowing team (as the result of a couple diamonds in the rough) and cross country team with the field hockey and softball team tying for 5th.

THE RANKINGS

1. Volleyball

2. Soccer

3. Rowing

4. Cross Country

T5. Field Hockey and Softball

The Men's rankings are coming soon.... we are however seeking some female input for these rankings if anybody wants to contribute.

Lovebirds WieLo

MrBeefy — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:51:26 GMT

Though they will probably not be seeing each other often this quarter as I believe Michelle is off competing, we at stanfordsecrets.com believe that their fondness for each other will remain strong as ever.

how gorgeous they look together.....sigh

Party Time

MrBeefy — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:46:46 GMT

In light of it being fraternity rush season, parties will be at a seasonal low on Stanford Campus. In light of this, we here at stanfordsecrets.com would like all you other dorms to man-up. Suites, Mireeless, Manzanita, Toyon, Yost and shit, its ur time to throw some fucking parties, Seriously... Seriously. Make sure that these next couple of weeks are fucking fun as hell while all the little boys rushing drink themselves to shit and get their asses pounded by baseball bats or whatever else those frat boys to their pledges. MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

Additionally, in terms of the past weekends party updates: for the most part pretty weak (majorly influenced by the lack of sorority trim due to rush). The foam party was dirty as usual.

Trent Johnson Leaving

MrBeefy — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:53:53 GMT

"Trent Johnson is leaving Stanford after four seasons to become the new coach at LSU, according to reports in the Louisiana media and online. Johnson, who led Stanford to three NCAA tournaments and a trip to this year's Sweet 16, has reached a verbal agreement with the Tigers. Former coach John Brady was fired during the 2007-08 season."

All I have to say is WHAT A LITTLE FUCKING BITCH!!! No doubt this man/witch(look at the picture below) would have stayed had the Lopez twins stayed. Instead of manning up and trying to suceed in the Pac-10 with an undersized though very talented team next year, he decided to escape to an inferior program where he would not have to change his monotonous, slow-paced, and often self-detrimental gameplan.

cocksucker

Taj Update: Sorry Ladies

MrBeefy — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:54:53 GMT

Taj Finger

Networks:
Stanford '08
Interested In:
Women
Relationship Status:
In a Relationship
Birthday:
August 14, 1986
Political Views:
Liberal

From his facebook status, it appears that Taj Finger is now in a relationship... I am waiting for my Thank You...maybe just a few little clicks on the tip jar in the bottom left... Nonetheless, you are very welcome Taj.

Beefy's Child

MrBeefy — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:12:32 GMT

The Stanford women lost the final of the NCAA tournament, Candice Wiggins had an awful game, and then she was drafted by Minnesota where basketball now goes to die.

On a lighter note, I, Mr.Beefy, now apparently have another child out of wedlock:

A stunning specimen she is. Yea, the mom was hotttttt......

I am a few years late here though on the info.

On A Serious Note: All Hail Candice Wiggins

MrBeefy — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:18:17 GMT

Candice Wiggins is likely one of the best females athletes to ever attend Stanford University. Over her four year career she was even able to surpass Lisa Leslie's, maybe the most famous female basketball player of all-times, Pac-10 scoring record. This year she won national player of the year honors and has led Stanford into an NCAA tournament final. She is one of the greatest female college basketball players of all time. However, while Candice's stat lines would trounce both of the Lopez twins', you can't even go to ESPN to check them because ESPN apparently does not consider individual women' statistics in college basketball as important enough to be recorded. While Brook and Robin Lopez helped take Stanford to the Sweet 16, that feat has been mere chump change for Candice. Yet while Brook and Robin will go on to have prosperous careers in the NBA, whether or not they ever crack a starting rotation, Wiggins will undoubtably slip into the anonymity of the WNBA although she will be a top player in the league. She will without a doubt be drafted higher than Brook or Robin, but will make approximately 40-50 times less money. If Candice is drafted in the top 5 of the WBNA draft, she will have a starting salary of around 45,000$ (she'd almost be able to pay her own tuition at Stanford). Say Brook goes 8th... he'll be making 2,000,000$. The couple hours that she lasted on the frontpage of ESPN.com along with Derrick Rose, Brandon Rush, and Candace Parker may be the peak of her media face-time for the rest of her life. The game tomorrow night will be the peak of her athletic career (maybe along with an Olympic Gold). For this reason, I tell you to watch the game and root for Candice Wiggins. Praise her both because this will be the peak of her career and because she, unlike either of the Lopez twins, is a true leader and a truly dominant basketball player. HAIL WIGGINS!

HenPrah

MrBeefy — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 14:55:57 GMT

As many of you may know, this year's commencement speech for the 2008 graduating class will be delivered by talk-show host and media-mogul Oprah Winfrey. The very inspirational speaker will be advising Stanford students and buoying them with confidence as they prepare to enter the real-world. Many hope that she will be giving away cars to the entire graduating class, but we honestly doubt it. The bigger news, however, has been the growing relations between Winfrey and Stanford President John Hennessy. It is supposed that Hennessy utilized his wit and vast knowledge of computers to seduce Winfrey into giving the commencement speech. Since news of the speech arrived, the two have often been seen together. In fact, they were recently sighted playing a competitive two person game of frisbee golf before playfully cuddling on the grass in the Oval. They pranced, danced, and caressed like two little lovebirds. It is further assumed that their constant interaction is also the result of planning for a surprise of theirs to be unveiled at the June 15th speech. We have heard, through the grapevine, that this surprise is a superior being by the name of HenPrah. The extremely ambitious pair have decided to combine strands of their DNA to create an all-powerful creature. A superman of sorts. We believe that this god-like entity will actually deliver the commencement speech in Oprah's place and then go on to conquer the known-world.

All-Male School

Frank TJ Mackey — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 13:41:44 GMT

Following a stunning series of studies, Stanford President John Hennessy is considering changing Stanford to an all-male school. Apparently, females performed so poorly in math and science classes that they are believed to no longer belong at such a highly-regarded institution. Interestingly, females performed better than males in all non- math/science classes, including athletics. However, due to recent similar events at Harvard, we don't expect this proposal to be passed.

Disclaimer: Frank TJ Mackey is a fictional character portrayed by Tom Cruise in Magnolia and therefore is by no means sexist. Indeed, both males and females should find him equally offensive.

Note: The site now has over 10,000 hits!!!

A New Stanford Dollies Tradition

MrBeefy — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 11:43:32 GMT

I have to say, with little doubt, that this year's dollies were certainly one of the more attractive groups in recent years. Overall, Jessica, Katie, Maddie, Jessica, and Christina rounded out a pretty solid quintuplet. This is evidenced not only by Stanford students personal visual opinions of the group, but by CBS as well. Even when matched up against a "stacked" Texas cheerleader group in the Sweet 16, the Stanford dollies received equal, if not more, air time. For our school, and you all know the stereotypes, this is no small feat.

We hope that the standard that this year's dollies have set will continue on to future years. I have not yet been informed on the appearances of next year's selected dollies, however, I hope that in selecting them, we did not look significantly into the past....

1998.....Yikes

Beefy Back, Lopezes Leaving

MrBeefy — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:03:20 GMT

"The Lopez twins are going pro together. Stanford sophomore Robin Lopez is joining his 7-foot brother Brook in entering the NBA draft. The brothers made their announcement to The Associated Press on Monday through mother, Deborah Ledford."

- espn.com

We sadly will be losing our beloved Lopezes. Fittingly, these man-children, in the most literal sense, had their mother announce that they were leaving for the NBA in their place. Interestingly, she had also often been spotted doing their homework for them, though apparently she was slacking a bit with Brook this fall quarter. All in all, I hope that these two boys can adjust to the NBA and I'm sure that if they can't, mommy Deborah will step in and persuade Shaq and KG take it easy on them.

Michelle Wie's opinion on Robin's departure to come....

Networks:	Stanford '08
Interested In:	Women
Relationship Status:	In a Relationship
Birthday:	August 14, 1986
Political Views:	Liberal